A gambol with Procter and Gamble

I bought a box of Premium Crest Whitestrips a few weeks ago and gave them to my husband. The claim is that the Premium variety take only 7 days to whiten your teeth as opposed to the non-Premium variety which take twice as long. Because he's not a patient man, I knew there was less chance my man would balk at using the quickie kind.

It wasn't the nicest gift I've ever given him, but it was one that required little or no explanation, although I did emphasize that I'd paid $44 for it. This was a bit of psychological blackmail because my husband is a man who likes to know where his money is going, down to the penny.

It took him a week to get around to using them, and then when he did there was the usual grousing and irritated demands for assistance but in the end he managed to do the entire course of treatment successfully. Tada! What a proud day that was!

I'd like to say his teeth were such a brilliant shade of white I needed to avert my eyes when greeting him in the morning but in fact the improvement was barely noticeable. However, a small improvement is better than none, so I decided to be satisfied with the result.

Then I found the discarded box in the bathroom garbage can. What a gargantuan piece of blue plastic was this! I looked it over and wondered what use I could put it to. Could I store meatballs in it? Pack a lunch even? Perhaps, and yet the little mirror jammed inside the upper lid made that seem a little silly. Could I use it as a travelling makeup kit then? The mirror would be very handy in that case.

I filled the sink with water and soaked the box hoping the paper labels affixed to top and bottom would be easily sloughed off. But after several hours of soaking and scraping, the unsightly remnants were still firmly fixed.

Ok, I said. I give up.
I opened the recycling box and was about to toss my Whitestrips box in when I stopped and thought, 'Will they be able to process this thing with the unremovable labels and the little mirror inside?'

I looked on the box and found a 1-800 number to call Proctor and Gamble with questions about the product. I had a question, I thought, so why not?

The woman who took my call listened patiently as I described my situation and then asked if I would mind being put on hold while she consulted with someone better equipped to address the issue. After a few minutes she came back, thanking me excessively for remaining on their 1-800 line so steadfastly. She then explained that if my recycler takes Number 5s, then it should be all right.

I didn't know if my recycler took Number 5s, but I assured her I would give it a try. I also took the opportunity to lecture her about how Proctor and Gamble should be ashamed of themselves for packaging little tiny plastic strips wrapped in foil in a box I could keep two sets of false teeth in. I said her company should be more responsible and take the lead in protecting the environment by not creating over-sized packaging in order to justify an over-priced product.

She then asked for my name, address and phone number just in case someone wanted to follow up with me. These I cheerfully supplied, all the while hoping I didn't end up on some FBI list. Perhaps Proctor and Gamble will send me a lifetime supply of Whitestrips!